


Happiness is a Butterfly |New Moon Rewritten|

by Sweetest_Creature



Series: The Twilight Saga: Rewritten [2]
Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-07
Updated: 2020-03-27
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:48:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22152784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sweetest_Creature/pseuds/Sweetest_Creature
Summary: I felt like I was constantly experiencing life defining moments. Moments where death hovered behind me waiting for me to fuck up. Waiting to take the thing that was most precious to me. And this was one of those moments. This was where our fate-my fate would be sealed.My heart beat spiked, shooting adrenaline  faster throughout my body as we waited. Her cold hand that held my own was the only thing keeping me grounded. This wasn't my world. It was hers. But she was my world. She was everything I wanted, and everything I needed. But she was also the one who broke my heart in ways that no one ever could.And yet.I would die for her, just as I would live for her.And as I looked into the red eyes of the empress I knew the next words that would be spoken by her would be the deciding factor. Still, I kept my head held high as the decision regarding my life was made.
Relationships: Archie Cullen/Jasper Hale, Bella Swan/Edythe Cullen, Carine Cullen/Esme Cullen, Rosalie Hale/Emmett Cullen
Series: The Twilight Saga: Rewritten [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1594516
Comments: 2
Kudos: 24





	1. Happy Birthday

This was a dream. I was sure of that because the woman in front of me was dead in real life. I had been to her funeral, seen her in her casket and yet here she was. Sitting across from me in the kitchen table. The smell of coffee hung in the air, the humid island wind coming in through the open window.

"Bella, mi querida Bella," she spoke, her face full of fondness. "Te extraño mucho, Bella,"

"I miss you too, abuela." I reply, frowning. "Why am I here?"

"I needed to talk to you," She spoke in English, something she rarely did in life. Her accent was thick and beautiful as ever.

I looked down, like I had been caught doing something wrong, "What did I do?"

"You fell in love."

I looked up startled, "What?"

"With a nightwalker, querida. Of all the humans in the world, you choose someone who's not human at all. Someone who will not grow old with you," She looked sad.

All I could do was look back at her.

"Is she worth your humanity?"

The question cut through my heart; my mortality was one of the few things me and Edythe disagreed on.

"No," abuela spoke again, "I don't mean your mortality. Your humanity, Bella. Would you turn into a monster for her?"

I winced, "She is not a monster."

Abuela stood, and moved slowly to the front door behind me, I followed shortly after she stopped at the open door.

"It's your birthday today, querida, do you want to see your present?"

I looked at her confused, but she looked out the door into her front yard. I followed her gaze, confused at what at saw. But then, anxiety shot through me and I pushed myself out the door.

There, in the street, seven people were being burned on wooden crosses.

"BELLA! RUN!" Edythe screamed through the fire.

I looked around, I had to put the fire out. I had to save her.

But all I found was my grandmother, smiling back at me.

"It's too late for you, querida,"

I went to ask her what she meant, but then I was the one on the wooden cross as my grandmother slowly turned into Edythe.

"Happy birthday, Bella," she said, lit match in her hand and lighting me on fire.

I woke with a start; my breathing was erratic, and adrenaline was still pumping through my veins. Dull gray morning light took the place of the fire in my dreams and my heart slowly started to calm down. My dream was slowly slipping away from me, and I let it. It wasn't something I wanted to remember.

As I laid in my bed, slowly coming out of my sleep, I realized something. Today was the twenty-ninth of October.

"Fuck, I'm eighteen," I groaned.

Today was the day I became a legal adult. I could get a tattoo, buy cigarettes and lottery tickets, join the army, travel without parental permission. Vote. I had more options than I did yesterday and yet, I couldn't help but frown. My birthday marked the day that I turned one year older. And I didn't want to get older, my girlfriend was forever seventeen and dead set on making sure I wouldn't be forever eighteen, nineteen, twenty... Edythe was dead set on keeping me human until the day I died. But I was dead set on becoming a vampire.

I stretched as I got up from my bed and went about my morning routine, trying to forget that it was my birthday. I really wasn't a fan of unwanted attention, so of course, when I got downstairs, I got cornered by my father, Charlie.

"Feliz cumpleaños, grilla!" He exclaimed as soon as he saw me walk into the kitchen.

I smiled widely, walking into his open arms, "Gracias, papi."

"I got presents, your mom somehow tricked me into coordinating with her," He laughed.

I shook my head, "I said no presents,"

"And she said she wasn't listening, and I couldn't seem like a bad father, so I agreed to getting you something," he shrugged, handing me a gift bag.

"You couldn't be a bad father even if you tried," I chuckled, taking it before peering inside.

"It's a camera and a scrapbook from your mom. She said you should be documenting your senior year," he explained.

"Wow, thank you, dad," I smiled, this was perfect.

"Of course, now get to school, viejita,"

"Oh, really. Thanks." I rolled my eyes as I walked away, the last thing I needed to hear was that I was getting old.

I skipped breakfast in a hurry to get to school. Driving there only took about ten minutes but that was long enough for my dream to sneak attack me. I usually was one to want to decipher what dreams meant, but this was one I wanted to forget. Besides, it was probably brought on by the anxiety that surrounded my birthday. I pushed my thoughts away as I pulled into the Forks High School parking lot. Spotting Edythe leaned against her shiny black Porche. Her brother, Archie, stood by her side. They were both waiting for me.

I sighed, frowning as I spotted the small silver-wrapped box in his hands. I had specifically said no presents. Clearly, I was being ignored.

I slammed the door to my truck shut, ignoring the groaning noises it made and moving forwards to where Edythe and Archie waited for me.

With a grin, Archie skipped forward to meet me halfway.

"Happy birthday, Bella!" He boomed, I looked worriedly around, no one seemed to care.

"Oh god, Arch, I love you, I do, but why don't you ever listen to me," I rolled my eyes as I took the gift from him.

"Because that's no fun, obviously. Are you going to open it now or later?" he asked, walking with me towards Edythe.

"Later, thank you," I stopped, hugging him before he kept moving.

"How did you like the scrapbook from your mom? And the camera from your dad?"

Of course, Archie would've "seen" what they got me as soon as they made that decision. Edythe wasn't the only gifted one in the family.

"Yeah, loved them," I said.

"I think it's a nice idea, making memories. You know you're only a senior once."

"How many times have you been a senior?" I asked, smirking.

"That's different,"

We had reached Edythe, who pulled me toward her and kissed my nose. "Happy birthday, love,"

"Gross," Archie chuckled.

I ignored him as I placed a kiss on her mouth, "Thanks, but you're not supposed to wish me a happy birthday,"

"Ah, yes, you've banned me from celebrating every birthday. But, I have chosen to ignore you, because I love my girl,"

I smiled, rolling my eyes a little.

"Don't most people start worrying about birthdays when they're much older?" Archie asked.

"I don't want to be much older." I replied.

Edythe stiffened.

We had come to an impasse, as she called it, when it came to my mortality. I wanted to be an immortal vampire, like her and her family, and she insisted on keeping me human. She called her own immortality a curse, but the way the Cullens made it look seemed pretty great... Plus it ensured that I'd never lose Edythe.

"Don't worry babe, I'm not gonna talk about it." I assure her as we made our way into the school.

"So, what time will you be at the house?" Archie asked.

"Um, I wasn't aware that I had plans there..." I looked at him through confused eyes.

He laughed, starting to walk away from us, "Now you are! See you later."

"I hate him," I shook my head, as I watched him walk away.

"Imagine living with him," Edythe laughed, "Let's get to class, love,"

No one bothered to look at us as we walked hand in hand through the hallways anymore, our classmates didn't bother with us as we made our way to the seats at the end of the classroom either. We were no longer interesting after being together for most of the year, we were old news. Not good enough to gossip about. Even Mike Newtown stopped caring, smiling at us as we passed him. He had apologized for his behavior when we first met, and we were on better terms now.

A few people came up to me to wish me a happy birthday, which I scowled at because I don't want to be the center of attention. I was accident prone and had the most beautiful girlfriend in the world, I already got stared at enough on regular days. If it had to be my birthday, I wanted nothing to do with anyone outside my personal bubble.

As the day progressed, my mood lightened up. My birthday wasn't something I could stop now that it was already here. And I wasn't in the mood to be sad. I wanted to enjoy the day, and even whatever Archie had up his sleeve at their house. Though I had asked everyone within that bubble to not get me anything it looked like no one was going to listen.

Gifts were something I was never comfortable receiving from anyone outside my family. I never had much money growing up, with my mom raising me on a kindergarten's teacher salary and my dad not making that much himself as the chief of police here in Forks. The only source of income I had was my three-day job at the local sporting goods store. That didn't bother me though. In a town this small, I was lucky to have any kind of job. Every penny I made went into my college fund, which was my Plan B. I was still holding onto hope for Plan A, but Edythe was adamant about leaving me human.

Edythe has a lot of money. I didn't even want to think about how much... Money meant nothing to the Cullens. It was just something that accumulated when you had unlimited amounts of time and a brother who could perfectly predict trends in the stock market. Edythe didn't seem to understand why I resisted in having her spend money on me, why she wasn't allowed to buy me an expensive car or why I wouldn't let her pay for my college tuition. She was ecstatic about Plan B, but she knew my feelings about money came from a personal place and she wouldn't question it.

As the day went on, my birthday was less talked about. Neither Edythe or Archie brought it up again. Including at lunch time.

Our lunch table was the strangest in the room. The three of us-Archie, Edythe and I-sat at on one side of the table. Now that the "older" Cullen siblings and somewhat scarier (in Emmett's case, though he was just a big teddy bear to me) had graduated, Archie and Edythe were no longer seen as intimidating. Which is what made my other friends, Angela, Jessica, Mike, and Eric sit with us on the other side of the table.

My friends seemed to have warmed up to the two strange siblings, including them in their conversations. Though the rest of the Forks student body weren't quite as brave.

The afternoon breezed by effortlessly, school ended and Edythe had pushed me to the passenger's side of my truck insisting on driving me as Archie took her car.

"Why don't I get to drive?" I huffed as we headed north through Forks.

"You know what car would suit you? A nice little Audi coupe, very quiet, loads of power..."

"There's nothing wrong with my truck, stop trying to kill it. it's never going to die. Also, if you know what's good for you, you didn't spend any money on presents." I said, opening the glovebox and pulling out my new camera.

"Not a dime," she promised.

"Good, pose for me." I instructed, before pointing the camera at me.

Before I could click the button a though occurred to me, "if I take a picture and developed it.... will you show up?"

Despite my serious question, she started laughing.

"Please, Bella." She chuckled, throwing me an annoyed look just as I clicked and took the picture.

"Can you do me a favor?" She said after a moment of silence.

"Depends..." I said shoving the camera into my jacket pocket.

"Bella, this is the first real birthday since Emmett in 1985, they're all very excited so I was hoping you would lighten up a little,"

I sighed, "I was planning on trying to enjoy myself tonight, so no worries."

"I should probably warn you..."

"Please do..."

She laughed at my worried expression, then shook her head, "Never mind, I'll let it be a surprise,"

I began to protest but she had pulled up to the house and exited the truck before I could even form the words. She opened my door and I sighed before stepping out.

She practically dragged me up the stairs, by now I was used to her speed and no longer got motion sickness when she used it to speed us along.

When she opened the door a loud chorus of "happy birthday" greeted me before I was swept off my feet.

I gasped, startled to have found myself in the arms of Emmett Cullen.

"Emmett!" I began grinning, wrapping my arms around him.

"Happy birthday, short stuff." He said as he set me back down.

"What are you doing here? I thought you and Rosalie were in Africa."

"We wanted to be here for you."

Rosalie stepped forward, "Yeah, I was ecstatic to be here."

I could tell she was being sarcastic, still I grinned. "Oh, Rose, how I've missed you."

It had been months since I last saw Rosalie and Emmett. Had Emmett always been so... big? And Rosalie never stopped surprising me. How someone could ruin their beauty by talking.

I found myself in the arms of Edythe's mother Esme, who pushed the two aside in order to hug me. She hugged me carefully, her chestnut hair tickling my cheek as she pressed a kiss to my forehead, before stepping away and allowing her wife, Carine, to hug me.

"Sorry about this Bella. We tried to rein Archie in." She whispered in my ear despite that everyone had incredible hearing.

"Okay, I have to step out for a bit-" Emmett winked conspicuously at Archie-"Bella, try not to do anything funny while I'm gone,"

I chuckled, "Sure, I'll try,"

I felt Edythe's hand on my back as Archie let go of Jasper's hand and skipped forward. He was holding the camera Charlie got me and I gave him a questioning look as I searched my jacket pockets.

He winked, "pose with your girl!" he said, bringing the camera up to his face.

I shook my head, smiling as I looked at Edythe, who leaned in and kissed my nose just as the flash went off.

"Cute," Archie grinned, handing me the still blank picture. "Now, presents!"

"I said I didn't want anything." I groaned.

Archie stepped forward with a small wrapped box in his hands. "Ah, yes but I didn't listen and neither did anyone else. Suck it up."

I rolled my eyes, smiling slightly, taking the gift.

"From Rosalie," He said.

My eyes widened and darted to Rosalie, who sat on the couch watching, "Oh, wow, thanks,"

"Happy birthday," she said monotonously.

I chuckled, and opened the gift carefully, inside sat a necklace. It was silver with a small diamond cactus. It was beautiful and I was in awe. "It's beautiful, Rosalie. Thank you," I said sincerely.

When I looked at her she actually was smiling back at me. it was a small smile, but a smile nonetheless.

"You're welcome." She said before the necklace was taken away and replaced with another gift.

"That one's from me and Jasper." Emmett stated as he stepped back in the house.

This box was big, but felt empty. I shook it slightly and sent Emmett a questioning look.

"I already installed it in your truck. Finally, a decent sound system for that piece of sh-"

"Hey, don't hate the truck." I defended.

"I happen to love your truck, Bella," Jasper chuckled.

"Thank you, you have taste, see he has taste," I said to everyone.

The empty box was taken from my hands and Esme and Carine stepped forward once again. From the corner of my eye I saw Archie disappear from my vision.

"Our present couldn't be wrapped," Esme began. "We wanted to bring a little sunshine back into your life,"

"Because you've been looking kind of pale lately," Carine winked.

I laughed, "the suspense is killing me here,"

"We got you two tickets to see your mom in Florida, you can go wherever you please," By the time Esme finished talked, I had burst into tears, rushing forward to hug them both.

"Why are you guys so nice?" I cried.

I heard a chorus of musical laughter around me, as I stepped away.

"You made her cry," Edythe chuckled, wrapping her arm around me and bringing me in for a hug. I hid in her neck.

"It's the best present ever," I pulled away, wiping the remaining tears away. "I am so grateful for all of you. Even Rosalie. I can't believe I'm lucky enough to to have you all in my life,"

Today had taken a turn. It started out with me hating the fact that it was my birthday, to me becoming an emotional mess in front of my girlfriend's family. But my words couldn't be truer. They had become part of me in the last few months.

I breath in, "I love all of you,"

"And we love you, my dear," Esme smiled warmly, touching my cheek and wiping away a few tears.

Edythe grabbed my hand as Archie stepped back in. He stopped in front of me and was holding a cake way too big considering I was the only one in this house that could eat it, I counted eighteen lit candles.

"I will leave if you guys start singing." I stated, ready to run as my face became hot.

They all chuckled, and proceeded to sing happy birthday to me, I groaned hiding again in the crook of Edythe's neck. When they were done, I resurfaced and smiled through the redness of my face. Closing my eyes, I made a wish. A wish I wanted to become reality, a wish that went against what Edythe wanted for me, but still it was something worth wishing and hoping for.

When I reopened my eyes, Edythe was there, looking at me as I blew my eighteen candles


	2. Damned

"I know you like to learn about our history, today I will tell you more about the Volturi." Edythe began, as we took our seats by the fireplace. She sat beside me as I ate my cake.

Everyone sat around me, but no one seemed to be listening to Edythe. They already knew.

"I remember you mentioning them before." I stated, remembering the portrait of the two women, the man and the young woman from Carine's office.

Edythe frowned, "Yes, they're the closest things our world has to royalty, a government of sorts. They make and enforce the law,"

I heard Emmett scoff.

I looked at her incredulously, "Vampires have laws?"

"Not very many, some are more serious than others. But they're necessary, but not everyone agrees with the Volturi's way. Some believe vampires are above the law, but even they wouldn't question the way of the Volturi. They have ruled our world for a millennia. In the beginning, it was founded by three men, Aro, Caius and Marcus. Marcus soon decided to leave, he did not want to participate in the war that was lead against the Romanian coven, see the Romanians led our world back then but under their leadership. . . It was chaos. Marcus came to Aro with his decision, he wanted to live a peaceful life with his wife Didyme." I set my plate aside as I leaned in closer to listen. "Aro wouldn't let them have their happiness though, even if Didyme was his sister, the decision to kill her was carried out."

"Whoa, what? He killed his sister? To keep Marcus?" I asked in disbelief. "That's a bit dramatic."

Edythe nodded, "Caius helped him, but their crime had a witness. Sulpicia, Aro's wife, saw what happened and she turned him in to Marcus' soldiers. The rest of the Volturi were anxious about how to deal with his treason, Aro had a gift similar to mine. He could read minds as long as he had physical touch with the person. This was a powerful gift that the Volturi did not want to waste. That's when Sulpicia found her little thief. Mele."

"What do you mean by thief? What did she steal?" I asked.

"Sulpicia found Mele after hearing rumors of a woman who could steal another's essence. Upon turning, Sulpicia saw that she had struck gold with Mele as she could absorb another vampire's gifts and give them to whoever she wanted," I saw Edythe's eyes flash to Carine, then back to me. "That's what she did with Aro, she stole his gift and transferred it to Sulpicia. After that, Aro served no purpose and he and Caius were destroyed. Sulpicia took the head of the coven, alongside Athenodora, who was Caius' wife and Marcus."

I breathed out, "Wow,"

"It's a lot," Edythe nodded.

"It's so... interesting... what kind of laws do they have?" My curiosity pushed me to ask.

Edythe's eyes flickered away, "We're not meant to. . . expose ourselves to the human world. Any human that knows of us. . . Of what we are. . . are given a choice by the Volturi."

I leaned in, "What kind of choice?"

She looked at me again, "Doesn't matter, you will never have to choose. Living without the Volturi's radar on you is easy. It could be done for many centuries."

I sighed, "why won't you tell me?"

Edythe chuckled, "I don't want to give you any ideas."

"I'm not stupid, your silence speaks louder than you think." I rolled my eyes.

She wrapped an arm around me, "I should stop underestimating humans and their intelligence," 

"You think? It's a bit racist if you ask me. You hate humans." I giggled as she tickled my stomach.

"What is the punishment for a vampire that does expose themselves to the human world?" I asked after a minute.

"You don't bother the Volturi unless you want to die or whatever it is that we do. Or torture."

"Sulpicia. . . She's very creative. . ." Carine spoke, bursting the bubble between me and Edythe.

I looked at her, she was sitting in the single loveseat with Esme in her lap.

She looked at me as she continued, "In my time with them, I tried to make them see the benefits of our diet. Make them see that humans didn't need to be their source of food. Sulpicia and the others never listened, in fact, they tried to turn me against my diet. Once sending a bleeding human into my chambers, that's when I knew my time was being wasted there. They did not value human life, just their art, their politics. I left, but Sulpicia was not about to let me go in peace. Not with what I had to offer. She sent Mele to steal that from me."

Shock flooded my system, "You had a gift?"

Carine nodded, "My gift was beneficial for the Volturi when they came across a shield. Shielding is a gift a vampire can have to protect themselves against other gifts. My gift went around that and compelled them to tell the truth, or in some cases compel them to drop their shield in order to allow Sulpicia to gather the information she needed."

I was rendered speechless. In my time with the Cullens I have come to understand that their gifts were a part of them. Edythe wouldn't be herself without her telepathic abilities, neither would Archie with his sight on the future, or the empath that is Jasper. And though I'm ordinary with nothing special about me, I could never imagine having a part of me being stolen, just like that. And without being able to fight back for it without dying in the process. 

The ring of a phone broke me out of my thoughts. My eyes ripped away from Carine and looked at the source. Edythe had already pulled a cellphone out of her pocket, the callers name flashed through my eyes for a just second but the name Eleazar was easy to pick up. She furrowed her eyebrows before untangling herself from me. 

"Excuse me, I have to take this." She stated as she got up and disappeared, the front door opening and closing back softly was the only trace of her departure. 

I looked back at Carine, who I found standing.

"Why don't you an I have a few words to ourselves, Bella?" She smiled kindly at me as she motioned for me to follow her. 

I looked around, the others were paying no attention to us and Emmett and Rosalie had seemed to leave at some point. I got up and followed Carine upstairs, through the giant house until we reached her office. She let me in first before taking a seat behind her desk and motioning me toward the chair in front of it. 

Feeling like a child being called into the principal's office, I slowly sat down. "Am I in trouble?"

Carine laughed, "Of course not, darling. I could sense that you may have some questions for me, since what happened with James you've been looking at me like you wanted a conversation. So here's you chance."

I bit my lip, I didn't know I was being that obvious, I did in fact wanted to have a one on one conversation with Carine, one that I didn't want Edythe to witness it. 

"Wont the others hear?"

"I told them not to. Edythe has gone off far enough away so we don't hear her call, but the others will respect our privacy," she stated calmly.

I didn't know where to begin, so I started easy, "Okay, how can you do what you do? Like, how are you able to be a doctor, be around blood, and not be overpowered by it?"

"Decades upon decades of practice," She told me, shrugging, "I barely notice the sent anymore," 

"What if you took a break from being a doctor? And you were away from blood, would it be harder when you came back to it?"

"I don't think so, I have worked as a professor, sometimes studied as a student to learn what has been discovered since the last time I studied medicine, and was away from it for a while but it was never difficult to return to it. my enjoyment for my work is more powerful than any desire that may still be present in me for blood." 

"That's amazing," I said in wonder. But, some sense still escaped me on why she did it, in the beginning at least-the years of struggle and self-denial she must've gone through in order to endure it so easily. "What is it that you enjoy?"

Her dark eyes were calm and thoughtful as she answered. "Hmm. What I enjoy the very most is when my... enhanced abilities let me save someone who would otherwise have been lost. It's pleasant knowing that, thanks to what I can do, lives are saved because I exist. Even the sense of smell is a useful diagnostic tool at times." One side of her mouth pulled up in half a smile.

"You try very hard to make up for something that was never your fault," I suggested. "What I mean is, it's not like you asked for this. You didn't choose this kind of life, and yet you have to work so hard to be good."

"I don't know that I'm making up for anything," she disagreed lightly. "Like everything in life, I just had to decide what to do with what I was given."

"That makes it sound too easy... In the beginning, though," I pressed, "Why did you even think to try a different way than the obvious one?"

Her lips turned up in a private smile. "Hasn't Edythe told you this story?"

"Yes. But I'm trying to understand what you were thinking..."

Her face was suddenly serious again, and I wondered if her thoughts had gone to the same place that mine had. Wondering what I would be thinking when-I refused to think if- it was me.

"You know my father was a clergyman," she mused. "He had a rather harsh view of the world, which I was already beginning to question before the time that I changed. I didn't agree with my father's particular brand of faith. But never, in the nearly four hundred years now since I was born, have I ever seen anything to make me doubt whether God exists in some form or the other. Not even the reflection in the mirror."

I was surprised at the direction our conversation had taken. Religion was the last thing I expected, all things considered. My own life was fairly devoid of belief. My considered himself a Catholic, because that's what his parents had been, but Sundays he worshipped by the river with a fishing pole in his hand. Mom tried out a church now and then, but, much like her brief affairs with tennis, pottery, yoga, and French classes, she moved on by the time I was aware of her newest fad.

"I'm sure all this sounds a little bizarre, coming from a vampire." She grinned, knowing how their casual use of that word never failed to shock me. "But I'm hoping that there is still a point to this life, even for us. It's a long shot, I'll admit," she continued in an offhand voice. "By all accounts, we're damned regardless. But I hope, maybe foolishly, that we'll get some measure of credit for trying."

"I don't think that's foolish," I mumbled. I couldn't imagine anyone, deity included, who wouldn't be impressed by Carine. Besides, the only kind of heaven I could appreciate would have to include Edythe. "And I don't think anyone else would, either."

"Actually, you're the very first one to agree with me."

"The rest of them don't feel the same?" I asked, surprised, thinking of only one person in particular.

Carine guessed the direction of my thoughts again. "Edythe's with me up to a point. God and heaven exist and so does hell. But she doesn't believe there is an afterlife for our kind." Carine's voice was very soft; she stood and turned her back to me, staring out the big window, into the darkness. "You see, she thinks we've lost our souls."

I immediately thought of Edythe's words earlier: unless you want to die or whatever it is that we do. The lightbulb flicked on over my head.

"That's the real problem, isn't it?" I guessed. "That's why she's being so difficult about me."

Carine spoke slowly. "I look at my daughter. Her strength, her goodness, the brightness that shines out of her and it only fuels that hope, that faith, more than ever. How could there not be more for one such as Edythe?"

I nodded in fervent agreement.

"But if I believed as she does..." she looked down at me with unfathomable eyes. "If you believed as she did. Could you take away her soul?"

The way she phrased the question thwarted my answer.

If she'd asked me whether I would risk my soul for Edythe, the reply would be obvious. But would I risk Edythe's soul? I pursed my lips unhappily. That wasn't a fair exchange.

"You see the problem."

I shook my head, aware of the stubborn set of my chin.

Carine sighed, and turned back to me. 

"It's my choice," I insisted.

"It's hers, too." she held up her hand when she could see that I was about to argue. "Whether she is responsible for doing that to you."

"She's not the only one able to do it." I eyed Carine speculatively.

She laughed, abruptly lightening the mood. "Oh, no! You're going to have to work this out with her." But then she sighed. "That's the one part I can never be sure of. I think, in most other ways, that I've done the best I could with what I had to work with. But was it right to doom the others to this life? I can't decide."

I didn't answer. I imagined what my life would be like if Carine had resisted the temptation to change her lonely existence... and shuddered.

"It was Edythe's mother who made up my mind." Carine's voice was almost a whisper. As she turned back around and stared unseeingly out the black windows.

"Her mother?" Whenever I'd asked Edythe about her parents, she would merely say that they had died long ago, and her memories were vague. I realized Carine's memory of them, despite the brevity of their contact, would be perfectly clear.

"Yes. Her name was Elizabeth. Elizabeth Masen. Her father, Edward, never regained consciousness in the hospital. He died in the first wave of the influenza. But Elizabeth was alert until almost the very end. Edythe looks a great deal like her... she had that same strange bronze shade to her hair, and her eyes were exactly the same color green."

"Her eyes were green?" I murmured, trying to picture it.

"Yes..." Carine's ocher eyes were a hundred years away now. "Elizabeth worried obsessively over her daughter. She hurt her own chances of survival trying to nurse Edythe from her sickbed. I expected that Edythe would go first, she was so much worse off than Elizabeth was. When the end came for her, it was very quick. It was just after sunset, and I'd arrived to relieve the doctors who'd been working all day. That was a hard time to pretend... there was so much work to be done, and I had no need of rest. How I hated to go back to my house, to hide in the dark and pretend to sleep while so many were dying.

"I went to check Elizabeth and her daughter first. I'd grown attached... always a dangerous thing to do considering the fragile nature of humans. I could see at once that she'd taken a bad turn. The fever was raging out of control, and her body was too weak to fight anymore.

"She didn't look weak, though, when she glared up at me from her cot.

"Save her!' she commanded me in the hoarse voice that was all her throat could manage.

"I'll do everything in my power,' I promised her, taking her hand. The fever was so high, she probably couldn't even tell how unnaturally cold mine felt. Everything felt cold to her skin.

"You must," she insisted, clutching at my hand with enough strength that I wondered if she wouldn't pull through the crisis after all. Her eyes were hard, like stones, like emeralds. 'You must do everything in your power. What others cannot do, that is what you must do for my Edythe."

"It frightened me. She looked at me with those piercing eyes, and, for one instant, I felt certain that she knew my secret. Then the fever overwhelmed her, and she never regained consciousness. She died within an hour of making her demand.

"I'd spent decades considering the idea of creating a companion for myself. Just one other creature who could really know me, rather than what I pretended to be. But I could never justify it to myself... doing what had been done to me.

"There Edythe lay, dying. It was clear that she had only hours left. Beside her, her mother, her face somehow not yet peaceful, not even in death."

Carine saw it all again, her memory unblurred by the intervening century. I could see it clearly, too, as she spoke... the despair of the hospital, the overwhelming atmosphere of death. Edythe burning with fever, her life slipping away with each tick of the clock... I shuddered again, and forced the picture from my mind.

"Elizabeth's words echoed in my head. How could she guess what I could do? Could anyone really want that for her son?

"I looked at Edythe. Sick as she was, she was still beautiful. There was something pure and good about her face. The kind of face I would have wanted my daughter to have.

"After all those years of indecision, I simply acted on a whim. I wheeled her mother to the morgue first, and then I came back for her. No one noticed that she was still breathing. There weren't enough hands, enough eyes, to keep track of half of what the patients needed. The morgue was empty... of the living, at least. I stole her out the back door, and carried her across the rooftops back to my home.

"I wasn't sure what had to be done. I settled for recreating the wounds I'd received myself, so many centuries earlier in London. I felt bad about that later. It was more painful and lingering than necessary.

"I wasn't sorry, though. I've never been sorry that I saved Edythe." she shook her head, coming back to the present. She turned smiled at me. "She's back," 

Carine lead me back downstairs where Edythe waited at the foot of the stairs. She had an odd look on her face. I'm sure she was aware of the conversation between me and her mom, telepathic powers and all.

"Hi," I smiled at her, Carine excused herself and moved away from us.

"Hello. Shall I take you home?" She smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes.

Something was wrong. "Are you okay?"

"I'm perfect, love. Let's head out," she grabbed my hand and lead me to through the living room.

I said my goodbyes, and Archie reassured me that he had already put my gifts in my truck and once again reminded me to open the one he had given me in school. I rolled my eyes as I made my promise to do it and soon I was sitting in the passenger seat of my car.

My new stereo from Emmett was installed, a red bow was taped to it and I shook my head, smiling. 

"I had fun," I stated as we pulled away from the unmarked road that lead to their house.

"I'm glad." She simply replied. 

It was quiet, but the air around Edythe was loud. Something was bothering her, and I couldn't help but think it was the phone call she had received. I didn't break the silence, she sped down the street and I didn't utter a complaint. When she stopped at my house and killed the engine, I spoke up.

"Edythe, what's wrong?" I asked. 

She smiled my favorite dimpled smile, "Nothing, I am perfectly fine."

I frowned, "What was that phone call about?"

She shook her head, "Charlie is waiting up for you."

"He can wait a little longer... will you stay tonight?"

"Sure, if that's what you want." She said, her voice monotone. 

"It's what I'll always want."

She nodded as she exited the truck, I followed after, "I'll see you upstairs. I'll carry your things up."

I nodded and sighed, watching her disappear before getting out the car and hurrying through the light drizzle of rain into my house. I found my dad laid out on the couch watching the news. 

"Bells, how'd it go?" he asked, looking up and muting the tv. 

"I had fun, it was a small thing. Nothing major, but I'm tired." As I replied and yawn escaped me and he chuckled. 

"Get any good presents?" he asked. 

"Yeah, a few things. I now have a new stereo for my truck,"

He whistled, "Nice. Go get some sleep, kid, you look beat."

"Alright, love you dad. Goodnight," and with that I hurried up the stairs. 

Edythe was waiting on my bed for me, she sat like a statue.

"Um, I'm going to take a quick shower, I'll be back." I told her as I gathered my things and exited the room. 

I rushed through my routine, desperate to find out what was wrong with Edythe. When I returned, she was laid out on my bed with her eyes closed, she looked worried. On her chest sat a small box. 

"Hey," I said as I sat down.

She opened her eyes and smiled, "I got you something,"

I raised an eyebrow.

"No money was spent, I swear."

I nodded and held out my hand, as she sat up and gently placed the box on my open palm. Slowly I uncovered it, inside sat the most beautiful necklace that ever existed, it was a blue gem in the shape of a heart. It reminded me of a smaller version of the necklace from the Titanic and I gaped at it as I picked it up out of the box. 

"Edythe..." I breathed.

"It was my mothers, she passed it on to me on my seventeenth birthday..." she explained.

I shook my head and tried to hand it back. "I can't take this..."

She grabbed it, suddenly disappearing but her presence was now behind me. I tilted my head up to look at her. 

"I want you to have it." she stated and moved my hair out of the way before putting it around me and clasping it at the back. 

I looked down on it, the dark blue went beautifully with the golden tan color of my skin. When I looked back up Edythe was in front of me leaning in. When her lips touched mine, my breath escaped me. Her lips felt soft under my own, delicate and careful, but then it got more urgent. It went from cool water to scorching fire. Her cold fingers found their way into my hair, holding me close, but I wanted to get closer, so my own hand found itself behind her neck. This was not careful. We were both crossing the caution line she had drawn bur for once she didn't pull away. I moved my body closer to hers, and that seemed to hit the limit. 

She stopped abruptly and pulled herself away from me.

I tried to catch my breath, and something tugged at the edges of my memory. This kiss was familiar. 

"I apologize," she said breathlessly. "That was out of line."

"I don't mind," I grinned.

She playfully frowned, "Go to sleep, Bella."

"No, kiss me again."

"You're overestimating my self-control,"

I hummed, "Which is tempting you more? My blood, or my body?"

"It's a tie," she grinned. "now, go to sleep."

"I wanted to talk about what's wrong with you," I frowned, remembering her mood earlier.

She kissed my nose and laid back down on my bed, throwing a blanket over herself before pulling me down with her. 

"We'll talk tomorrow, now sleep Bella," 

I huffed and snuggled closer to her, "Fine,"

I was tired, sleep came over me. But just before I succumbed to it, I realized what her kiss reminded me of: last spring, when she had to leave me to throw James off my trail, Edythe had kissed me goodbye, not knowing when-or if-we would see each other again. This kiss had the same almost painful edge to it for some reason I couldn't imagine. I shuddered into unconsciousness, like I was already having a nightmare.


	3. The End

The week that followed my birthday was hard. Edythe kept putting distance between us, Rosalie and Emmett soon left for South America this time and Archie and Jasper left. I questioned their sudden need to leave Forks, but I only was given vague answers.

"Jasper is going through something," Edythe had said to me. 

"Is he okay?"

"Yes."

"What's wrong with his?"

"It's personal."

And that was the end of that subject. 

Most nights before my birthday Edythe would stay with me, after the night of my birthday she stayed less and less. Her voice and face were unemotional, but something hidden in her eyes gave me the sense that she was in pain. 

I was becoming uneasy. She wasn't answering my question, but it was a week after my birthday when I put my foot down.

I turned around as we reached my truck, she held the door open but I ignored it. 

"You're coming over later." I stated, leaving no room for her to say no.

"Later?" she asked confused.

"Yes, I have work." 

"Okay,"

I stepped into my truck, "And we're talking about whatever is bothering you so much it's caused to act weirder than usual."

I puckered my lips at her and she leaned in and kissed me.

"Okay," she repeated, smiling a smile that didn't meet her eyes.

I nodded and she began her walk to her car.

I looked after her for a moment before I drove off toward Newton's Sporting Goods. As I drove through the quite town, anxiety began building in my chest. Why was Edythe acting so weird? And why did Archie and Jasper leave so suddenly without so much as a goodbye? Was that what was bothering Edythe? The fact that her family was becoming scattered. But no, it couldn't be that. She hadn't been the same since she received that call on my birthday. Did her sudden change toward me mean that she was going to be the next Cullen to disappear.

I swallowed the lump in my throat as I pulled into the store and tried to push away all the negative thoughts out of my head. She just needed time; she's not going anywhere. I focused on my breathing as I entered my place of work.

Mike greeted me, waiting by the door to go in with me. 

"Hey, Bella,"

"Hi," I said not looking at him.

"Are you okay?" he asked with a worried tone, "You look kind of... pale."

"I'm perfect."

Work dragged on, I tried to focus on what I was doing but my mind kept drifting back to Edythe. I wanted to see her, talk to her, help her get through whatever was bothering her. I can't ignore it any longer. Something was going on, and I felt as though that something was causing me to lose her. I can't let that happen, not without a fight. 

When I was got home and saw her car parked outside of my house, I breathed out a sigh of relief. 

I hurried through the rain and inside.

"Dad? Edythe?" I called out as I hung up my jacket. 

"In here!" I heard dad answering me from the living room, where I could here the TV playing. 

When I walked in, I saw that Edythe was in the armchair and dad was on the sofa, bothe had their eyes on the TV. The focus was normal for my dad, but not so much for Edythe. 

"Hi," I said quietly. 

"Hey, Bells." Dad answered, his eyes never moving away from the game. "We just had some cold pizza, I left you some on the table."

"Okay." 

I waited in the doorway. Finally, Edythe looked over at me with a polite smile. "I'll be right behind you," she promised. Her eyes strayed back to the TV.

I stared for another minute, shocked. She was avoiding me. Neither one seemed to notice. I could feel the same anxiety from earlier building up in my chest before I turned and escaped to the kitchen.

The pizza held no interest for me. I sat in my chair, pulled my knees up, and wrapped my arms around them. Something was very wrong, maybe more wrong than I'd realized. The sounds of whatever game was playing were still coming from the TV.

I tried to get control of myself, to reason with myself.

What's the worst that can happen? I flinched. That was definitely the wrong question to ask. I was having a hard time breathing right. I didn't like that question and I hated that I was even asking it. 

In front of me, on the table, my presents from mom and dad were where I had left them, the camera Archie used on my birthday last week was sitting beside the album. I touched the pretty cover of the scrapbook my mother had given me, and sighed, thinking of her. If only I could talk to her about this, get her advice. She would know why Edythe was acting distant. In the back of my head I did too, but I pushed it down. That can't be right.

I leaned my cheek against my knee. 

I touched the scrapbook again, flipping the front cover over. Little metal corners were already in place to hold the first picture. It wasn't a half-bad idea, to make some record of my life here. I felt a strange urge to get started before my life came crashing down. 

I toyed with the wrist strap on the camera, wondering about the first picture on the roll. Could it possibly turn out anything close to the original? I doubted it. I thought about her kiss on the tip of my nose, and the smile after she pulled away when the picture had been taken. So much had changed, and so abruptly. It made me feel a little bit dizzy, like I was standing on an edge, a precipice somewhere much too high.

Change was coming. I could feel it. It wasn't a pleasant prospect, not when life was perfect the way it was.

I took my time getting up and moving to the living room, camera in hand, trying to ignore the butterflies in my stomach as I thought of the strange distance I didn't want to see in Edythe's eyes. She would get over this, at least I hoped so.

I had the camera ready as I leaned around the corner, being sneaky. I was sure there was no chance that I had caught Edythe by surprise, but she didn't look up. I felt a brief shiver as something icy twisted in my stomach; I ignored that and took the picture.

They both looked at me then. Dad frowned. Edythe's face was empty, expressionless.

"What are you doing, Bella?" he complained.

"Oh, come on." I pretended to smile as I went to sit on the floor in front of the sofa where dad lounged. "You know Mom will be calling soon to ask if I'm using my presents. I have to get to work before she can complain."

"Why are you taking pictures of me, though?" he grumbled.

"Because tu eres hermoso, pa," I replied, smiling. "And because, since you bought the camera, you're obligated to be one of my subjects."

He mumbled something unintelligible.

"Hey, Edythe," I said with admirable indifference. "Take one of me and my dad together."

I threw the camera toward her, carefully avoiding her eyes, and knelt beside the arm of the sofa where dad's face was. He sighed.

"You need to smile, Bella," Edythe murmured.

I did my best, and the camera flashed.

"Let me take one of you kids," dad suggested. I knew she was just trying to shift the camera's focus from himself.

Edythe lightly tossed him the camera.

I went to Edythe and she pulled me to her lap. She wrapped an arm lightly around my waist, and I wrapped my arm more securely around her shoulders. I wanted to look at her face, but I was afraid to.

"Smile, Bella," Dad reminded me again.

I took a deep breath and smiled. The flash blinded me.

"Enough pictures for tonight," Dad said then, shoving the camera into a crevice of the sofa cushions and rolling over it. "You don't have to use the whole roll now."

Edythe dropped her hand from my waist and twisted casually out of my arm. She patted my thigh, telling me to get up and I did.

I hesitated, and then went to sit against the sofa again. I was suddenly so frightened that my hands were shaking. I pressed them into my stomach to hide them, put my chin on my knees and stared at the TV screen in front of me, seeing nothing.

When the show ended, I hadn't moved an inch. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Edythe stand.

"I'd better get home," she said.

Dad didn't look up from the commercial. "See ya."

I got awkwardly to my feet. I was stiff from sitting so still and followed Edythe out the front door. She went straight to her car.

"Will you stay?" I asked, no hope in my voice.

I expected her answer, so it didn't hurt as much.

"Not tonight."

I didn't ask for a reason.

She got in her car and drove away while I stood there, unmoving. I barely noticed that it was raining. I waited, without knowing what I waited for, until the door opened behind me.

"Bella, what are you doing?" Dad asked, surprised to see me standing there alone and dripping.

"Nothing." I turned and trudged back to the house.

It was a long night, with little in the way of rest.

I got up as soon as there was a faint light outside my window. I dressed for school mechanically, waiting for the clouds to brighten. I put the camera in my school bag before I left. I tried to concentrate on my new project rather than the fact that Edythe apparently hadn't gotten over things during the night.

Along with the fear, I was beginning to feel impatience. How long could this last?

It lasted through the morning. She walked silently beside me, never seeming to actually look at me. I tried to concentrate on my classes, but not even English could hold my attention. Mr. Berty had to repeat his question about Lady Capulet twice before I realized he was talking to me. Edythe whispered the correct answer under her breath and then went back to ignoring me.

At lunch, the silence continued. I felt like I was going to start screaming at any moment, so, to distract myself, I leaned across the table's invisible line and spoke to Angela.

"Hey, Ange?"

"What's up, Bella?"

"Could you do me a favor?" I asked, reaching into my bag. "You're great at photography, could you take some pictures of everyone for my scrapbook?"

I handed her the camera.

"Sure," she said, grinning.

She took some off guard pictures of everyone of our friends before Eric stole the camera from her and took one of her blushing face. 

"I take them, I'm not in them," she complained. 

"I think we used all the film," Eric said to me, handing the camera back.

"That's okay, thank you."

After school, Edythe walked me back to the parking lot in silence. I had to work again, and for once, I was glad. Time with me obviously wasn't helping things. Maybe time alone would be better.

I dropped my film off at the Thriftway on my way to Newton's, and then picked up the developed pictures after work. At home, I said a brief hi to my dad, grabbed a granola bar from the kitchen, and hurried up to my room with the envelope of photographs tucked under my arm.

I sat in the middle of my bed and opened the envelope with wary curiosity. 

When I pulled it out, I gasped aloud. Edythe looked just as beautiful as she did in real life, kissing my nose with the same affection I'd missed for the past week days. It was almost uncanny that anyone could look so...so... beyond description. No thousand words could equal this picture.

I flipped through the rest of the stack quickly once, and then laid four of them out on the bed side by side.

The first was the picture of Edythe driving us to her house on my birthday, her warm eyes touched with playful and annoyed amusement. The second was Edythe and Charlie, watching ESPN. The difference in Edythe's expression was severe. Her eyes were careful here, reserved. Still breathtakingly beautiful, but her face was colder, more like a sculpture, less alive.

The third was the picture of Edythe and me looking so in love on my birthday we were looking at each other smiling. And the last picture was of me in her lap, the one dad took. Edythe's face was cold and statue-like. I looked anxious; you could see my worries through my smile. 

Instead of doing my homework, I stayed up to put my pictures into the album. With a ballpoint pen I scrawled captions under all the pictures, the names and the dates. I got to the bad picture of Edythe and me, and, without looking at it too long I stuck it under the metal tab.

When I was done, I stuffed the second set of prints in a fresh envelope and penned a long thank-you letter to my mom. She loved getting letters in the mail, though there were more affective ways of communication. She found it poetic or something. 

Edythe still hadn't come over. I didn't want to admit that she was the reason I'd stayed up so late, but of course she was. I tried to remember the last time she'd stayed away like this, without an excuse, a phone call... She never had.

Again, I didn't sleep well.

School followed the silent, frustrating, terrifying pattern of the last two days. I felt relief when I saw Edythe waiting for me in the parking lot, but it faded quickly. She was no different, unless maybe more remote.

It was hard to even remember the reason for all this mess. My birthday already felt like the distant past. If only Archie would come back. Soon. Before this got any more out of hand.

But I couldn't count on that. I decided that, if I couldn't talk to her today, really talk, then I was going to see Carine tomorrow. I had to do something.

After school, Edythe and I were going to talk it out, I promised myself. I wasn't accepting any excuses.

She walked me to my truck, and I steeled myself to make my demands.

"Do you mind if I come over today?" she asked before we got to the truck, beating me to the punch.

"Of course not."

"Now?" she asked again, opening my door for me.

"Sure," I kept my voice even, though I didn't like the urgency in her tone. "I was just going to drop a letter for mom in the mailbox on the way. I'll meet you there."

She looked at the envelope on the passenger seat. Suddenly, she reached over me and snagged it.

"I'll do it," she said quietly. "And I'll still beat you there." She smiled my favorite dimpled smile, but it was wrong. It didn't reach her eyes.

"Okay," I agreed, unable to smile back. She shut the door, and headed toward her car.

She did beat me home. She was parked in dad's spot when I pulled up in front of the house. That was a bad sign. She didn't plan to stay, then. I shook my head and took a deep breath, trying to locate some courage.

She got out of her car when I stepped out of the truck and came to meet me. She reached to take my book bag from me. And lead the way into the house.

Inside she set my bag down by the door and turned to me.

"Let's talk." She said, not meeting my eyes.

Her words coupled with the pained expression on her face made my heart plummet down into my stomach.

"O-Okay," I stuttered and followed her lead into the living room.

We sat down in the sofa, she sat away from me. And though it was warm inside the house, I felt cold. 

"Bella, we're leaving." She said.

My face grew suddenly hot and my heart came to a halting stop before speeding off. 

"What?" 

"I... I have to leave." She said, still not looking at me.

I shook my head and moved closer, she flinched at my movement and moved farther from me. "Why... why do you have to leave?"

"I can't do it anymore, Bella. I can't keep living like this. I can keep being with you." her voice cracked as she finished her explanation.

I felt hot tears falling down my face, "No... no... y-you can't leave..."

"I have to, for your safety."

"Fuck safety!" I scream, all the hurt in my chest exploded into anger. "We were fine a week ago. And suddenly we're not after that fucking call you got! So tell me the truth, Edythe! Because this isn't about my safety!" 

She finally looked at me, her eyes were swimming in pain. "I-Bella, this is the hardest decision of my life... leaving yo-"

"Don't fucking do it then!" I sobbed, sitting back down and taking her hand. "You don't have to do this, whatever it is we can get through it together. We can face it together."

She took her hand back, though I was using all my strength she pulled it away like it was nothing. 

"I'm sorry... but you don't belong in my world, Bella." She whispered.

"This is about my soul," I laughed through my tears, "Carine told me about that, and let me be clear... leaving would do more damage to it than turning me. I gave it to you already, and I don't plan on taking it back."

She took a deep breath and stared unseeingly at the floor for a long moment. Then she stood, her eyes were different, void of all emotions as she looked me dead in the eyes. 

"Goodbye, Bella. Try not to do anything stupid or reckless." She said, then continued after a breath. "Don't worry... it'll be as if I never existed."

"NO!" I yelled at the empty room. "You can't just fucking leave like that!" 

I stood in a rush almost tripping on my way out the door. Her car was gone, there was no sight of it anywhere on the street. I ran to my truck and flung the door open. I slammed it shut after me before turning the key and slamming the gas, speeding off, my dad rounded the corner in his car and I sped past him. I needed to find her, she couldn't just leave like that. I wont allow her, I deserve better than that. 

I pushed my truck past it's limit through town not caring about anything except where I was going. If anything got in the way of my truck, well I'm sorry for them.

As I neared the Cullen's house, I felt more and more sick. Nausea began stirring up in my stomach and a lump had formed in my throat, hot tears blocked my vision and the big white house looked blurry as it came into view. 

With my heart beating in my throat, I kicked the door open and ran to the house. 

"Edythe!" I yelled, punching the glass door. 

I tried the doorknob and it opened with ease.

Running inside I came to as stop. 

It was empty.

Everything was gone. 

"No," I sobbed, moving up the stairs as fast as I could. 

When I got to the door to her room I burst through, the small amount of hope I had left me. Empty. Nothing to indicate that she was ever here. I felt myself falling, my knees hitting the floor hard with a thump. But I didn't feel anything. I looked to my left, a flag was left taped to the wall. The colors pink, yellow and blue greeted me. Happy and cheerful. 

I took a breath and collected myself, standing up and moving away from the deserted room. Through the empty house, and out into the cold. 

I moved past my car, the night was falling around me as I pushed through the thick trees. I walked and walked. Time made no sense as I pushed my shaky legs farther, I tried recollecting my thoughts. I needed to get myself together. That's what the logical voice inside my head was telling me. But the pain inside my chest needed me to walk, run even. 

I turned back, I don't know how long it had been. Dad must be worried about me. But where was I, I don't remember where I came from. Rain was starting to fall and it was pitch black. But as I walked with no vision of where I was going, I tripped. I fell hard into the wet ground and turned on my back. I needed to catch my breath. 

Why was it so dark? I could see the sky through thinning trees. Surely some moonlight should filter through the clouds and find the ground.

But not tonight. Tonight the sky was like black ink. No moon. A new moon.

I shivered, though I didn't feel cold. 

I don't know how long I laid there. Seconds? Minutes? Hours? 

Suddenly, there was a sound, startleling close. A kind of snuffling, an animal sound. It sounded big.my heart jerked in my chest, telling me to get up and run but then it went away. 

I got up. I needed to find my way home. 

But where even was home now that she was gone?

I fell again this time I hit my head and saw stars. 

"Bella?" the raspy, unfamiliar voice called.

But it was full of recognition, she must know me. I looked up at the tall stranger. 

"Have you been hurt?"

I nodded, "My head,"

"Bella, my name is Sam Uley. Charlie sent me to get you, I'm going to pick you up now."

I knew that name. 

I nodded before I was lifted off the ground. 

It didn't seem like too much time passed before there were lights and the deep babble of many male voices. Sam Uley slowed as she approached the commotion.

"I've got her!" she called in a booming voice.

The babble ceased, and then picked up again with more intensity. A confusing swirl of faces moved over me. Sam's voice was the only one that made sense in the chaos, perhaps because my ear was against her chest.

"No, I don't think she's seriously hurt. Just hit her head a little," she told someone. "She just keeps saying 'she's gone.' "

Was I saying that out loud? I bit down on my lip.

"Bella, honey, are you all right?"

That was one voice I would know anywhere... even distorted, as it was now, with worry.

"Dad?" My voice sounded strange and small.

"I'm right here, baby."

There was a shifting under me, followed by the leathery smell of my dad's sheriff jacket. Dad staggered under my weight.

"Maybe I should hold on to her," Sam Uley suggested.

"I've got her," dad said, a little breathless.

He walked slowly, struggling. I wished I could tell him to put me down and let me walk, but I couldn't find my voice.

There were lights everywhere, held by the crowd walking with him. It felt like a parade. Or a funeral procession. I closed my eyes when he set me down in his car. 

Again. Time passed slowly. I think I was going home. Maybe I hit my head too hard.

"We're almost home now, honey," dad mumbled now and then.

I opened my eyes again when I heard the door unlock. I was picked up and I closed them again. I felt him climb the steps of our porch, and the tall dark woman named Sam was next to Dad holding the door for him, one arm extended toward us, as if she was preparing to catch me when dad's arms failed.

But dad managed to get me through the door and to the couch in the living room.

"Dad, I'm all wet," I objected feebly.

"That doesn't matter." His voice was gruff. And then he was talking to someone else. "Blankets are in the cupboard at the top of the stairs."

"Bella?" a new voice asked. I looked at the gray-haired man leaning over me, and recognition came after a few slow seconds.

"Dr. Gerandy?" I mumbled.

"That's right, dear," he said. "Are you hurt, Bella?"

It took me a minute to think that through. I was confused by the memory of Sam Uley's similar question in the woods. Only Sam had asked something else: Have you been hurt? he'd said. The difference seemed significant somehow. 

Dr. Gerandy was waiting. One grizzled eyebrow rose, and the wrinkles on his forehead deepened.

"I'm not hurt," I lied. The words were true enough for what he'd asked.

His warm hand touched my forehead, and his fingers pressed against the inside of my wrist. I watched his lips as he counted to himself, his eyes on his watch.

I heard him mumble something about my head. 

"What happened to your?" he asked casually.

I froze under his hand, tasting panic in the back of my throat.

"Did you get lost in the woods?" he prodded. I was aware of several other people listening. Three tall women with dark faces, from La Push, the Quileute reservation down on the coastline, I guessed...Sam Uley among them, were standing very close together and staring at me. Mr. Newton was there with Mike and Mrs. Weber, Angela's mother; they all were watching me more surreptitiously than the strangers. Other deep voices rumbled from the kitchen and outside the front door. Half the town must have been looking for me.

My dad was the closest. He leaned in to hear my answer.

"Yes," I whispered. "I got lost."

The doctor nodded, thoughtful, his fingers probing gently against the glands under my jaw. Charlie's face hardened.

"Do you feel tired?" Dr. Gerandy asked.

I nodded and closed my eyes obediently.

"I don't think there's anything seriously wrong with her, just a mild concussion," I heard the doctor mutter to dad after a moment. "also, exhaustion. Let her sleep it off, and I'll come check on her tomorrow," he paused. He must have looked at his watch, because he added, "Well, later today actually."

There was a creaking sound as they both pushed off from the couch to get to their feet.

"Is it true?" dad whispered. Their voices were farther away now. I strained to hear. "Did they leave?"

"Dr. Cullen asked us not to say anything," Dr. Gerandy answered. "The offer was very sudden; they had to choose immediately. Carine didn't want to make a big production out of leaving."

"A little warning might have been nice," Dad grumbled.

Dr. Gerandy sounded uncomfortable when he replied. "Yes, well, in this situation, some warning might have been called for."

I didn't want to listen anymore. I felt around for the edge of the quilt someone had laid on top of me, and pulled it over my ear.

I drifted in and out of alertness. I heard dad whisper thanks to the volunteers as, one by one, they left. I felt her fingers on my forehead, and then the weight of another blanket. The phone rang a few times, and he hurried to catch it before it could wake me. He muttered reassurances in a low voice to the callers.

"Yeah, we found her. She's okay. She got lost. She's fine now," he said again and again.

I heard the springs in the armchair groan when he settled himself in for the night.

A few minutes later, the phone rang again.

He moaned as he struggled to his feet, and then he rushed, stumbling, to the kitchen I pulled my head deeper under the blankets, not wanting to listen to the same conversation again.

"Yeah," dad said, and yawned.

His voice changed; it was much more alert when he spoke again. "Where?'" There was a pause. "You're sure it's outside the reservation?" Another short pause. "But what could be burning out there?" He sounded both worried and mystified. "Look, I'll call down there and check it out."

I listened with more interest as he punched in a number.

"Hey, Billy, it's Charlie. Sorry I'm calling so early... no, she's fine. She's sleeping... Thanks, but that's not why I called. I just got a call from Mrs. Stanley, and she says that from her second-story window she can see fires out on the sea cliffs, but I didn't really... Oh!" Suddenly there was an edge in his voice... irritation or anger. "And why are they doing that? Uh huh. Really?" He said it sarcastically. "Well, don't apologize to me. Yeah, yeah. Just make sure the flames don't spread... I know, I know, I'm surprised they got them lit at all in this weather."

Dad hesitated, and then added grudgingly. "Thanks for sending Sam and the other girls up. You were right...they do know the forest better than we do. It was Sam who found her, so I owe you one... Yeah, I'll talk to you later," he agreed, still sour, before hanging up.

He muttered something incoherent as he shuffled back to the living room.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

He hurried to my side.

"I'm sorry I woke you, honey."

"Is something burning?"

"It's nothing," he assured me. "Just some bonfires out on the cliffs."

"Bonfires?" I asked. My voice didn't sound curious. It sounded dead.

Dad frowned. "Some of the kids from the reservation being rowdy," he explained.

"Why?" I wondered dully.

I could tell he didn't want to answer. He looked at the floor under his knees. "They're celebrating the news." His tone was bitter.

There was only one piece of news I could think of, try as I might not to. And then the pieces snapped together. "Because the Cullens left," I whispered. "They don't like the Cullens in La Push... I'd forgotten about that."

The Quileutes had their stories about the "cold ones," the blood-drinkers that were enemies to their tribe, just like they had their legends of the great flood and wolf-women ancestors. Just stories, folklore, to most of them. Then there were the few that believed. Dad's good friend Billy Black believed, though even Jacob, his own son, thought he was full of stupid superstitions. Billy had warned me to stay away from the Cullens...

The name stirred something inside me, something that began to claw its way toward the surface, something I knew I didn't want to face.

"It's ridiculous," dad spluttered.

We sat in silence for a moment. The sky was no longer black outside the window. Somewhere behind the rain, the sun was beginning to rise.

"Bella?" dad asked.

I looked at him uneasily.

"She left you alone in the woods?" he guessed.

I shook my head, "She left me right here. I followed after her...how did you know where to find me?"

"I guessed. Some people saw you driving that way," he answered. "When you didn't come back, I called the Cullen's, and no one answered," he continued, in a low voice. "Then I called the hospital, and Dr. Gerandy told me that Carine was gone. Also, you left a note."

Confused, I looked up as he pulled out a piece of paper and read it, "Gone off to Edythe's house, be back soon. Bella,"

"Where did they go?" I mumbled, ignoring the false letter.

He stared at me. "Didn't Edythe tell you?"

I shook my head, recoiling. The sound of her name unleashed the thing that was clawing inside of me...a pain that knocked me breathless, astonished me with its force.

Dad eyed me doubtfully as he answered. "Carine took a job with a big hospital in Los Angeles. I guess they threw a lot of money at her."

Sunny L.A. The last place they would really go. I remembered my first time seeing her in the sun...the light bouncing off like diamonds off her skin. 

Agony ripped through me with the memory of her face.

"I want to know if Edythe left you alone out there in the middle of the woods," dad insisted.

Her name sent another wave of torture through me. I shook my head, frantic, desperate to escape the pain. "No, it was my fault, she left me here... I tried to follow after her."

Dad started to say something; childishly, I covered my ears. "I can't talk about this anymore, Dad. I want to go to my room."

Before he could answer, I scrambled up from the couch and lurched my way up the stairs.

Someone had been in the house to leave a note for Charlie, a note that would lead him to find me. From the minute that I'd realized this, a horrible suspicion began to grow in my head. I rushed to my room, shutting and locking the door behind me. Everything looked the same as I had left it. 

The album mom had given me sat on the floor beside the bed, just where I'd put it last. I lifted the cover with a shaking hand.

I didn't have to flip any farther than the first page. The little metal corners no longer held a picture in place. The page was blank except for my own handwriting scrawled across the bottom: Edythe Cullen, Oct. 29th.

I stopped there. I was sure that she would have been very thorough.

The necklace she gave me was still around my neck. That was the only thing that she wouldn't have been able to take. 

It will be as if I'd never existed, she'd promised me.

I felt the smooth wooden floor beneath my knees, and then the palms of my hands, and then it was pressed against the skin of my cheek. The waves of pain that had only lapped at me before now reared high up and washed over my head, pulling me under.

I did not resurface.


	4. Phases

November: Denial

Was her love all an illusion? No. No. It couldn't be. I felt it, in my heart, in my body and everywhere around her. Why would she leave me? Why would. . . Why did she go? I don't. . . Understand. 

Edythe. . . 

She can't be gone. 

She has to come back. 

She's coming back.

December: Anger 

I watched as the days dragged on to a cold, snowy December. A month without. . . her. 

She left, with no fucking explanation. No reasoning, just a vague answer as to why she would leave out of nowhere. 

What even was the fucking point of making me love her? 

Was it worth it? Me loving her? Her loving me? 

Was it a game to her? 

Archie. He left me too. . . They all left me. 

Frustration covers every inch of my body, the necklace that she gave me gets heavier and I reach up and pull it, the sting of the chain snapping around my skin goes ignored. 

I'm fucking done. 

I throw it. Not seeing where it lands, only hearing the thudding sounds it made as it falls. 

Fuck her.

January: Bargaining 

"Why do you think the break up is hurting you so much?" She asked. 

"I loved. . . I love her. . ." I replied. 

"Do you want to move on?" 

"No, I just want her to come back. I don't know what I did to make her leave, but I swear, I'll do anything to have her back," 

"What if there's nothing you can do?" 

I shut my eyes, tears falling from my eyes, "Ange, I need her. . . I can't have lost her forever." 

God, please, if you're real, just bring her back. I'll do anything. 

Please.

February: Depression

Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. 

I've lost count of how many times I've cried myself to sleep. I don't eat, my body hurts. . . I'm sad everyday. I feel. . . So broken and exhausted.

My dad wants me to get help, he sees what I'm going through. I know it scares him, and I hate doing that to him. 

Mom too, she calls everyday. I usually ignore them, I don't want to talk about it. 

I just want to be left alone. 

I'll get better. 

I think.


	5. Waking Up

I winced as my father's fist came down on the table before me. Startled, I looked up at him from my cereal bowl, which I had been playing with rather than eating it. 

"That's it, Bella. I'm sending you home." He said. 

I looked at him confused, "I am home?"

"I'm sending you to Jacksonville with your mother. She's going to get you some help."

I pushed the bowl away from me, "I don't need any help... I'm fine."

"The fact that you think so tells me you do. Bella, I know what you're going through... when your mother left and took you with her, well, that was a hard time for me... and talking to a professional really served me some good. I think you could benefit from it and from getting away from Forks."

I resisted the urge to flinch, "I'm not leaving Forks, I'm halfway through the school year it could mess up my grades."

"That can be figured out."

"I don't want to bother mom and Phil." 

"Your mom has been dying to have you back."

I sighed, "Florida is too hot."

"Bella, it's been months. With no contact. She's not coming back, and you can't keep waiting for her."

I flinched away from him then scowled. This subject was utterly forbidden, the heat almost reached by face and I was confused by the familiar emotion that I hadn't felt in months. 

"I'm not waiting for anything," I began getting up and grabbing my untouched breakfast. "I'm not going to Florida." I continued as I dropped the bowl in the sink. "And I'm not seeing a fucking shrink." 

With a glare at my father, I left the kitchen and went straight to the front door grabbing my bag and rushing outside. 

As I drove to school, I began feeling guilty. He was just worried about me. Hell, I was starting to worry about me. In the back of my head I knew that I had to figure a way out of this and move on with my life. I needed to get through the darkness, just how I did not know. It just seems impossible. But there was no way I was going to allow him to ship me off to Florida or force me to talk to some stranger about my depression that was caused by the sudden departure of my vampire ex-girlfriend. That alone was enough to have me committed. 

When I pulled into the school parking lot, I was one of the firsts to arrive. Sighing, I exited my car and headed in the direction of the cafeteria, it was warm in there I could wait until school started. 

I sat alone with my calculus book in a corner. Around me the room began to fill but I kept my head down and hoped I looked invisible. But soon, I felt a presence that I tried to ignore. That is until they sat down and I was forced to look up and found Angela and Jessica looking back at me. 

"Hi, Bella." Angela greeted kindly. 

Another sense of guilt pushed itself into my system. For a while now, I had been ignoring both of my friends. At this point, they weren't even friends. But neither of them had abandoned me in my self-inflicted isolation. Both went out of their way to ask me how I was and invited me out with them every Friday. 

"Hi," my voice crack and I cleared it away. 

"How are you?" Jessica asked. 

"Fine."

"Great, so we were going to Port Angeles tonight... do you want to come?" Jessica continued hopefully. I furrowed my eyebrows; it must be Friday.

"We just want you to know that we're here for you. We're great at providing distractions." Angela added. 

I was prepared to say no, just like the countless other times that I had turned them down when they invited me out. But I stopped myself, I did need a distraction and I needed to find a way back to living my life. 

I closed my book, "Yeah, sure."

Both looked like I had slapped them across the face. But quickly, they recovered and gave me excited smiles. 

"Great! We'll follow you to your house after school and leave from there." Jessica said, getting up and pulling Angela with her. "See you in English!" 

With that they disappeared, I had a feeling they didn't stick around in case I changed my mind. With a sigh, I forced my already tired body up and headed to calculus. My morning passed in a haze, everything seemed to be hazy lately. I kept losing track of time, forgetting things, my mind was as numb as my body. 

As I headed out of school for the day, Angela and Jessica stopped me by the doors. Reminding me that they'll be following me home. I nodded at them and headed to my truck. I drove slowly home, despite my agreement to go out and socialize, I really just wanted to stay home and do homework or... clean, cook, anything that would take hours away without me feeling them or falling back into my dark thoughts. As soon as I parked my truck outside my house I got out and asked the girls to wait a few moments while I dropped off my things and left dad a note before going back to them in a zombie-like pace. 

I slammed the backdoor to Jessica's Chevy shut and sighed. 

"I'm so glad you decided to go out with us, Bella." Angela grinned back at me from the passenger seat. 

"Me too." I said simply, looking out the window to the passing houses. "What exactly are we doing?"

"It was my birthday Monday, so I wanted to celebrate by getting a tattoo and also buy a few new outfits." Jessica replied and I frowned, looking back at her. 

"I... missed your birthday?" 

"No, silly, you're here for my birthday,"

I shook my head, "No, but I didn't say happy birthday..."

"You can say it now?" her eyes were on the road but I could picture the confused look she had that accompanied her tone of voice. 

I knew that Jessica's birthday fell on February, the twenty-ninth but she celebrates it on the first of March in between leap years. How could I be losing so much track of time that I forgot her birthday. Jessica, who I didn't like much at first but who grew on me as she showed me what a kind person she really was. I shook my head again; I've been out of it for too long. 

"Happy birthday, Jess. I'm sorry I've been a horrible friend." I said.

Jessica looked at me through the rearview mirror before looking back to the winding road, "Bella, I get it. You're only human. You've been going through things that I couldn't begin to understand. But..."

"It's okay to not be okay." Angela helped her explain, she had twisted her body toward me and was looking at me with sad eyes. 

I nodded, looking down at my hands. 

"Thank you, guys." I said, cracking a small smile at Ange. 

The rest of the drive consisted of Jessica talking shit about Mike. They had recently broken up because she lost interest in him. They had gotten into a boring routine, which she blamed on him. Angela on the other hand, was still going strong with Eric and he had become one of her favorite subjects to shoot. She was building a portfolio for film school. She was looking to apply to a school in New York or Los Angeles, Jessica was looking at fashion schools on both coasts as well. FIT in New York was her first choice. 

Their plans for after graduation hit me like a cold splash of water. There really wasn't that much time left in our senior year and I hadn't once thought about where I would apply... or even what I wanted to study. I hadn't planned for a future without... her. And I was just now realizing that will have to. I will have to plan for that future that I hadn't seen coming. But it almost seemed impossible. 

"God," I breathed. "I feel like I've woken up from a coma and I don't know what to do." I said my thoughts out loud, accidentally. But I wasn't ashamed, only friends were in this car. 

Angela gave me a look of understanding, "That's okay, you're here now. That means you're beginning to understand that you have to move on."

"And you've got these amazing friends to help you." Jessica added with a small chuckle.

My heart felt warm with the love I felt for these two girls. It was the first time in months that I felt anything other than darkness and despair. 

We got to Port Angeles in what felt like minute, the distraction they promised was working and I felt thankful and refreshed to be out of the house. Soon, we were out of the car and standing in front of neon blue sign that blinked out the word 'tattoo' and 'piercings.' 

"What're you going to get?" I asked Jessica when she was filling out her form.

"A sewing mannequin, with like, these designs I drew up," she smiled, "It's going to look so cute on my arm, though I'm not so excited about the pain. It's bound to hurt like a bitch." 

"And you Ange?" I looked at Angela beside her, who was deciding whether or not to get one because the other artist that worked here was free. 

"Hmm... I have an idea. But I think I'll have to make an appointment, its way bigger than what Jess is getting and I kind of want to draw it up myself.... I'll be right back." She said before getting up and walking up to the guy behind the desk. 

"Why don't you get one, Bella?" Jessica asked, focused on her form. 

I looked around the red walls that were littered with the work of art the artists of the shop have created. There were a lot of gothic tattoos, skulls and spiders. And also a lot of religious tattoos, animals, pin up girls, pop culture characters. My eyes settled on something familiar, a cactus. 

It was a cactus that I knew well from Arizona and it was also my favorite. A prickly pear was it's name, it was drawn on a dessert landscape where it was the center of attention. Immediately I remember what my mother once told me about this type of cacti. 

"They hold the power and loneliness of the dessert, it protects itself from all danger. See it's yellow flowers? Those evoke strength and endurance, Bella. Isn't it beautiful?" She had told me. 

At once I made my decision, "I'm getting a prickly pear."

Jessica was returning from handing over her form, and looked at me confused, "I'm sorry what?"

I got a form of my own as I explained to both her and Angela before she was called over to start on her piece. I hadn't meant to get a tattoo, hell I never even wanted one. But this was the first day of a new me. a me that was ready to accept what happened and move on, but not without gaining an armor to protect myself first. 

I found myself with shaking hands on the tattooing seat next to Jessica, who gave me a thumps up then a wince as her artist worked on her. Angela sat between us, out of the way and watched the lines being made on Jessica's arm.

"Did that piece on the wall make you want this?" My artist asked and I looked at her.

"Kind of, it's my favorite type of cacti. I'm from Arizona, and it's meaning speaks to me at the moment." I explained.

She smiled, "I drew it after a trip to Arizona, it was beautiful... would you like that specific piece? I promise no one has it tatted on their skin."

She looked up from where she was drawing up the idea that I had on a stencil. And I thought back to the drawing I had seen. It was colorful, the sun sinking behind the mountains, bathing the sky in yellows, reds and orange. The cracked desert almost mirrored the sky like an ocean, the prickly pears stood strong and thriving with green and yellow life next to the skull of a bull while in the background the silhouette of dry trees stood ready to decay. It was more than my boring plant pot and depicted the strength I wanted to capture with my tattoo. 

I nodded, grinning, "Yes, please."

She grinned, back. And disappeared before reappearing with her beautiful piece. And soon, I was shoving my shirt up and allowing her to shave and disinfect my skin before placing the stencil on my right side, on my ribs. Her cold hands made me jump and she chuckled, apologizing and putting on black gloves. 

"Okay," she sat after taking off the piece of paper and opening a fresh new needle. "This may hurt, just a bit," she turned the needle on and the buzzing sound immediately made me nervous.

"Oh fuck," I breathed, I was really doing this.

She laughed, "Just breath and try to stay still, I promise it's not that bad."

She dipped into the ink and I waited in worry as the needle came closer, "Angela, hold my hand!" I exclaimed and looked away to Angela who hurried over and placed her hand in mine. 

Then the needle began piercing my skin and I felt pain, but not too much pain. It was sort of... nice. And I breathed out slowly. 

"Oh, it's not that bad," I looked back down. My artist was moving the needle softly through my skin. She bit her lip in concentration as she focused on outlining. "You can go now," I said to Angela, letting go of her hand with a laugh. 

I closed my eyes and let my tattoo artist concentrated on her work. I winced a few times as the needle went over my bones but already, I was beginning to feel addicted to the almost pleasurable pain it brought. 

"I have a feeling you're going to become addicted." The artist said with a chuckle, I opened my eyes and saw her looking back at me with an amused expression. 

She wiped the excess ink and blood and I looked down.

I gasped, "Oh my god! It's beautiful." 

My neck twisted uncomfortably, trying to see the work. Before the artists held up a mirror for me to see.

"Thank you so much!" I grinned at her. "Wait, I didn't catch your name and you just created this masterpiece,"

She answered as she wrapped my fresh tattoo up in plastic. "It's Nyx," She smiled back at me when she was done, taking of her gloves and leaning over to her work desk and pulling out a card, "Here's my card, you can call me next time you want something done or if you have problems with this one. Or just... call me," 

I looked at her with wide eyes as she smiled at me suggestively and suddenly, I was aware of what she looked like. She was...intense, to say the least. Her hair was a dark purple and her arms were covered in colorful tattoos. She was adorned with piercings that I wouldn't dare get and yet they looked beautiful glittering against her alabaster skin. Her wide light brown eyes looked back at mine in playful amusement. 

"I-Okay, um, thank... thank you." I stammered, feeling my face heat up for the first time in months. 

I got up, Jessica and Angela waited for me in the front of the parlor where I paid and was given instructions on tattoo aftercare. I barely listened, I just wanted to get out of there. Once outside I breathed the cold air deep into my lungs. 

"Bella, You're red as hell," Jessica laughed.

"Are you okay?" Angela looked worried as we made our way down the street.

"My artist... I think she was, like, flirting with me." I cringed as I said the words and explained what happened exactly.

Angela joined Jessica in laughter, and I felt my face growing even more hot.

"Keep that number for when you're ready to use it," Jessica suggested.

I suddenly felt sick, I definitely was not ready for that.

My mood took a dark turn through diner. I was suddenly wishing to be back at home, alone and curled up in my bed. Angela and Jessica noticed my change in mood and asked for their food to be packed up. Though I pretended not to notice what they were doing, I thanked them as we piled back into the car and sped back to Forks. 

I silently watched the trees, not really paying attention unless I heard my name. I was tried of this feeling. Would it ever go away? Jessica pulled up to my house sooner than I realized. 

"Thank you for everything tonight, guys, I really had fun." I said, I was being sincere but my voice sounded monotone. 

"Of course, see you Monday, Bella," Jessica frowned. 

Angela nodded, "We should do this again soon."

I nodded and excited the car, rushing through the rain and inside the house. 

My dad was waiting up for me on the couch.

"Hey, Bells." He eyed me, warily.

I sighed, taking off my coat. "Hey, dad."

"Have fun tonight?"

I smiled without wanting to, "I did... guess what..."

He raised an eyebrow, then looked at me through narrowed eyes, "What?"

"I got a tattoo." I grinned, my mood lifted a bit at the shocked expression in my fathers face.

I lifted up my shirt to show him, I had removed the wrap in the car, it was becoming uncomfortable. 

"For fucks sake, Bella," he laughed, standing up to get a closer look. "Your mom's going to have a heart attack."

"I know," I chuckled, letting the fabric fall, "Don't tell her."

I sat with my dad for a while, I wanted to put off being alone for as long as I could. I knew once I was alone, I would no longer be able to ignore the pain that I was keeping at bay for now. 

"I'm heading to see Billy tomorrow," Dad said conversationally.

My ears perked, "Oh? Could I go? I haven't seen Jacob in while..."

I saw him smile, "Yeah, of course. I was going to ask him about some reports that some people have been giving from around there."

"Reports?" I asked.

"Nothing big, some people have been seeing unusually large bears. They've been spotted alarmingly close to where people live, could cause a problem. So, stay away from the woods for now, Bells."

I nodded, I wouldn't go into the woods anyway. 

Eventually, dad decided to head upstairs for some sleep and I dragged my feet up the stairs and into the bathroom after having retrieved my things from my room.

As soon as I closed the door, I felt my breathing increase. My lungs felt like they couldn't get enough oxygen. I could feel tears flooding my eyes as I turned the shower on and stripped. My heart started beating faster, breaking through the numbness I usually felt. The huge hole that had been punched through my chest had returned. 

But I kept breathing, and despite the pain my heart kept beating. The hot water warmed my cold body and I felt relief. 

For the first time in a long time, I knew that I would be okay. I knew that I would survive... 

My need and want to heal had woken something up inside of me. 

Hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!
> 
> I’m back with the New Moon Rewrite no one asked for! 
> 
> New Moon was my least favorite book, the way Bella went about her grief was so weird and all wrong and dangerous. And I hated the way the people around her treated her depression. Including herself, so I’m hoping to fix that. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!
> 
> -Mar.


	6. Colors

Mornings were harder than usual now. Maybe it was the nightmares that plagued my nights, not allowing my body and mind to actually get some rest. Or the fact that a new day had begun yet I felt like I was stuck in a time loop. Like no time was passing, yet a eternity seemed to pass at the same time.

Getting out of bed was even harder, I just wanted to stay in bed and sleep, cry and stare at my wall. Which, I usually did on weekends I wasn’t working. But I wanted to be better, get better. So this morning, I used all my strength to peel the blankets away and get dressed. I waited in the kitchen for my dad, making breakfast and coffee before we headed out to La Push.

When he saw me, hair combed, wearing clothes that weren’t carelessly thrown together and actually wide awake for 9 AM on a Saturday, he looked shocked. Of course, he tried horribly to hide it as I set his breakfast down in front of him.

“So, uh,” he coughed, “You’re still coming with me to La Push?”

“Of course, dad. Why else would I be up at this time? I was thinking I could follow you in my car, in case I want to head back before or even after you.” I said, sipping on my coffee.

He nodded, trying to keep his face composed but I could tell he was shocked at my sudden change in mood. Of course, my mood hadn’t changed, but I had, I was making an effort. And trying to help myself heal…

We ate while making small talk, he still looked at me through wide eyes and seemed scared to make sudden movements. Like I was going to burst into tears and go running up to my room never to be seen again. But as we exited the house he stopped, his eyes softening and a smile played in his face as he grabbed my shoulders.

“I’m proud of you, Bells.” He simply said before getting in his car.

I smiled softly as I moved inside of my truck.

My dad was a man of very little words, but those words could sometimes mean a lot. He saw I was making an effort, and he was going to support me through it. He also knew I wasn’t ready to talk about it, which is why he doesn’t say much, and for that, I was very grateful.

I’ve always loved the drive to La Push, it was like straight out of a postcard and even more so on this unusually sunny Saturday morning. It was the first time in months that I’d seen the sun. Or at least noticed it through my own inner cloudiness. I was opening my eyes to the world around me again and it was beautiful… I missed it. I missed the green of the forest, the blue of the sky, the yellow sun, and the navy sea that appeared as drove further into La Push. Even the faded orange of my truck seemed a lot brighter.

I followed my dad through the reservation, through a small dirt road and finally stopping at a small wooden cabin. It was painted a very loud red color that stood out amongst the dark green of the forest behind it.

At our approach, I saw someone exit the shed. It was Jacob, his immediate smile was infectious even from a distance. His hair bounced around him as he ran toward my car, throwing the door open before I could.

“Bella!” He laughed, grabbing me in a hug as soon as I stepped out and spun around once before setting me back down on the ground.

“Whoa, Jacob, I didn’t expect that kind of reaction.” I laughed, stumbling back.

“Didn’t you? I haven’t seen you in months, I think you should’ve known.” He chuckled, “Sup, Charlie.”

“Now why don’t I get the same kind of welcoming as Bella?” My dad laughed, shutting his door.

Jacob shrugged, moving towards dad with me following behind. “You’re here almost every weekend.”

Dad slapped his back, and for the first time I realized how tall Jacob had gotten. I mean, I’m short, I’m used to looking up at people, but my dad was a six-foot tall man and he was currently looking slightly up at Jacob.

“Holy shit, Jake? What the fuck are you eating that’s got you so tall?” I questioned as we moved up the makeshift ramp toward the house.

“Why? You want some? You could use a couple more inches.” He joked and I rolled my eyes.

“Dad! We’ve got company!” He exclaimed as soon as he opened the door.

I head Billy’s voice before I saw him, “Son, can Charlie be considered company at this point?”

“Oh, I wasn’t talking about him.” Jacob laughed as Billy wheeled around the corner.

“Well, I’ll been damned. It’s good to see you, Bella!” Billy smiled widely at me as he moved closer in his wheelchair.

I smiled, bending down to hug him. “Hi, Billy.”

“Everyone likes my kid more than me,” dad sighed from beside me.

Billy ignored him, “Are you guys staying for dinner?”

“Sure,” I said, looking at dad.

He laughed, “As long as you’re not cook it.”

Jacob grabbed my wrist, pulling me softly forward, “C’mon, Bella. Let’s leave these old men alone, I wanna show you something.”

We moved through the small tidy living room toward the back door, which was through the kitchen. Outside was a shed that was clearly homemade, but also well crafted. Jacob led me through the patch of uneven ground that separated the shed and the house before stopping and turning to me.

“Before I show you, you can’t tell my dad. He’ll actually kill me.” He laughed once but his eyes were serious.

“Swear.” I winked.

He nodded, smiling wide and opening the door to let me in first.

Inside was a mess, tools littered the tabled on the side and oil stained the floor. Front and center was a black car that Jacob was clearly just working on when we got here. But as I moved closer I noticed what he wanted to keep secret. Two motorcycles sat behind the car, though Billy’s wheelchair could never make it here, Jacob clearly placed them there to be hidden from view.

“Are you working on these?” I asked, eyes wide with curiosity.

“Yeah, I saved them from a friend. He was going to throw them out and I thought I’d try to fix them.” he replied.

“That’s so cool! Would you teach me how to ride? Wait, do you even know how to ride?”

He snorted, “Of course I do, why else would I spend time and money on these.”

“I could help you out if you promise to teach me…” I suggested.

He seemed to think about it, “If you help me out, you get to keep one and I will teach you.”

“Hmm, deal. But dad could never know,”

Jacob and I spent most of the day working on the bikes, well, he worked while I sat and watch, keeping him company. Once my dad almost walked into the shed, though Jacob rapidly through a cover over the two bikes and hurried to the door. Dad just wanted to let us know that he and Billy were going for a visit over to Harry Clearwater’s place and would be back with dinner. Being around Jacob again was easy and calming, he was so carefree and happy it almost made me forget about my depression. He made me laugh at lot as he updated me on his junior year in high school and the antics he got up to with his friends Quil and Etenia.

“Etenia, she’s a little shit sometimes. So, last Saturday, we went to some party one of the seniors was throwing and she got completely fucked up then tried to pick a fight with one of Sam’s girls. Pauline, who’s fucking scary and always angry, seriously that girl has permanent steam blowing out of her ears with how pissed off she is all the time. But, anyway, Etenia was convinced Pauline was trying to murder her and she tried to attack her with a spoon she had found. Got close to it too, Quil had to come in there and save her. Pauline was so fucking pissed she disappeared.”

I laughed, “She sounds fun, and Quil’s name is fucking fantastic.”

Jacob nodded, concentrating on his work before he answered, “It’s a hand-me-down. He’s like the third Quil in his family. What about you? What trouble have you been up to?”

I shook my head, “No trouble here, well, last night was my first night out in… months…”

He looked up at me, “How-”

I cut him off, knowing the question he was going to ask, “I got a tattoo.”

He raised his eye brows, “Did you? Let me see.”

I raised my sweater, showing him the work of art on my ribs.

“Sick, I gotta be honest I didn’t think you had it in you.”

I rolled my eyes, “Why not?”

He shrugged, “Aren’t daughters of cops supposed to be good girls?”

“But I am,” I blinked innocently, “I’m of legal age,”

“I’m well aware that Latin parents don’t give a fuck about legal age.” He chuckled.

I laughed, “Yeah, my dad is cool though but my mom will probably cry I’m not gonna lie.”

“She’s gonna ground you all the way from Florida.” He laughed.

I sank into my thoughts as I let Jacob concentrate on the work he was doing. I hadn’t expected to actually have fun today, last night with Angela and Jessica was fun, but they had seen me through my worst. They saw me through every stage of grief I had gone through in the past couple of months, but Jacob hadn’t. And this felt easier, like the comfort a brother or a best friend could bring. One that hadn’t known you at your worst, one that wasn’t trying to fix you because they didn’t know that you were broken to begin with. I’m sure Jacob had heard all the ugly details of my depression from Billy, and that my eyes, the sadness in them the exhaustion evident from the dark circles beneath them gave it all away. But still, he hadn’t seen the worst of it. And that made me feel even more comfortable being here, building, or assisting in passing tools over to him as he fixed up two wheeled death machines for us to ride.

“You know,” he said suddenly, bringing me back. “You’re awfully accident-prone, I’m not sure how responsible it is for me to let you ride these.”

I laughed. And it felt good.

We sat in silence for a while, and I watched as Jacob dove back int his work.

“Yo, Jake!” a voice cut through the sound of Jacob tinkering with the bikes.

I jumped, startled, “Who’s that?”

Jacob barely looked up, “Just Quil and Etenia, I’m sure. . . In here!”

A few seconds passed before two people made their way inside the shed, one was a tall native girl with her long dark hair pulled into two braids, the other was a shorter native boy. They looked inquiringly at me and I immediately felt shy.

“Ooh, Jakey’s got a girl in here,” The girl teased with a smirk at Jacob.

Jacob rolled his eyes, “Guys this is Bella, Bella these are the guys.”

“Hi,” I said, my face feeling slightly hot at the attention.

The girl snorted, “That’s some introduction, I’m Etenia, that’s Quil,”

“Ohh, yes, Jacob mentioned you guys.”

Quil raised an eyebrow, “All good things I hope.”

I nodded, “Yeah, totally.”

Etenia moved to sit next to me, “So are you like Jacob’s girlfriend or something?”

“No, I’m not. I don’t like boys,” I said.

“Ah,” Quil laughed, sitting on the other side of me, “How about a man?”

Jake snorted, “And you’re a man, are you?”

“I’m lesbian,” I clarified, moving away from Quil.

Etenia sucked her teeth in annoyance, “Now you’ve made her uncomfortable you asshole.”

“I think the both of you are doing that,” Jacob stood, “Maybe I shouldn’t allow you two so close to Bella.”

“Why? Afraid we might corrupt her?” Etenia grinned.

“I’m the old one here, I think I would be doing the corrupting here…” I said.

Jacob snorted, “By what? Not even a year? And your dad’s a cop, I bet you’ve never learned to break the law only to follow it.”

Good point.

“Oh, you’re Charlie’s kid.” Quil nodded, “Yeah, maybe in human years you’re older but we’ve got you beat in like dog years.”

“Excuse me?” I raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah, like we’re like thirty-four, you might be like twenty-nine.” Jacob agreed.

I rolled my eyes as I got up and shrugged, “Sure, if that makes you feel better, kid.”

Jacob threw me a playful glare as he wiped his greasy hands on a dirty washcloth.

“How’re the bikes coming alone, Jake, I found this killer trail by my aunts house that I wanted to ride through.” Etenia changed the subject, moving closer to inspect Jacob’s work.

“I still gotta buy a few more pieces, but they should be done soon enough. Bella’s help out with that, I promised her one.” He replied.

“Damn, I wish I’d gotten here first.” Etenia shook her head.

I stepped toward them, “I mean I’d be keeping it here, my dad would kill me if he caught me in one of these. . . So you could borrow whenever you’d like…”

She grinned, “Sick, love that, thanks.”

It was refreshing to be around new people. Not that Jacob was new or anything but I definitely haven’t spent this much time with him before and I found myself wishing I had come by earlier. His homemade garage was somehow homey and full of his and his friends laughter. Jokes flew around as they lovingly made fun of each other. It was an easy environment to be around, I hadn’t laughed like this in too long.

“You should come to one of our parties sometime, Bella, age you up a bit.” Quil was saying.

I laughed, “Sure, I’m down if I can bring some friends… by some I mean two…”

“Bring your whole school, we haven’t had a wild one in a minute, fair warning, your dad might show up…” Etenia laughed.

“And try to arrest her again…” Jacob snorted, “She’s lucky she was on the other side of the border.”

We hung out a few more minutes before Quil and Etenia were called back home and me and Jacob retreated to his house as soon as our dad’s arrived with dinner. We ate in the backyard, where the Blacks had a large picnic table that could probably seat twenty. And according to Jacob, it did.

“So, what trouble did you two get up to today?” Billy asked us.

“None at all,” I grinned, “I’m a good influence, I promise.”

Jacob snorted by my side, “Yeah, the best, dad. It’ll be hard to get into any trouble with this one around.

Billy chuckled, “Good, she should hang out around Etenia, maybe that’ll keep her out of trouble.”

“That’s hard to imagine.” Jacob rolled his eyes.

“Etenia Call? That girl that I almost arrested once?” Dad asked.

Laughing, Jacob nodded, “That’s the one.”

Dinner was full of jokes and laughter and teasing, I was distracted. I was numb to the pain that would surely return when I was alone again. And when I was waving goodbye to the Blacks from my car, a panic began to set in around me. The closer I got to Forks, to mine and dads house, the more the numbness lifted. As I parked my car in front of the house, I dreaded the thought of sleep. The horrors that plagued my nights in the form of her.

I dragged my feet up the stairs and prolonged my nightly routine, I even spent a few minutes talking to dad. I was finally starting to feel normal, I was starting to fight the heavy water, and it scared me to think that I would sink back down to the beginning the second my eyes shut and the nightmares began.

With dread I finally climbed into bed and shut my eyes…but the nightmares didn’t come. The next thing I remember… I was waking up, looking at the yellow sunlight coming through my window.

I sat up, stunned.

For the first time in months, I slept without dreaming the same horrible dream. I was shocked, and relieved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi.


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